我快乐吗？

以前的我，会不计后果的追寻快乐，
不管怎样，我就是我高兴就好...
后来，尝试的把自我改成对别人的关心,
但是换来的却是永无止尽的伤心失望.
以前，总是抱怨朋友的不是，
但是，想想，他们也许也在这么说我呢？
以前，总是单纯的觉得事情不是对就是错，
所以一当问题出现，就会问朋友是谁的错，
如果不是我，那错的就是你了咯？
但是就因为这样，我很少会停下来回头看看自己，
到底是对的还是错了？
而且，现在才知道，答案不是只有对或错，
有时候，有一种东西叫做坦诚，信任，无私的付出...
也许当时的我还没有那么多的想法，
但是直到现在才知道已经太迟了...
随着年龄的增长，
坦诚，信任，无私的付出都变得那么的不切实际，
取而代之的是伪装，虚伪，和手段。
似乎唯独这样才是生存法则...
现在的我，还能找的到单纯的坦诚，信任，无私的付出吗？
曾经听说过，
一个人，最危险的不是他健硕的拳脚，手上的武器。
最危险的，其实就是他体内那最不堪一击的心，
也因为这样，造就了人心险恶这四个大字...
这往往是游子出发前，父母一再强调的四个大字...
人，到底是为了什么而存在的呢？
为权利？利益？还是什么？
还有人是为了梦想而活的吗？
每当看到人开怀大笑时，
他真的是快乐的吗？
还是只是绝望的伪装？
曾经看过有人，满面笑容，
但是眼眶中却布满泪水，
他解释为喜极而泣，
但是往深一点看，
你会看到眼泪中隐藏着悲伤，绝望...
这样的他，真的快乐吗？
说回自己，现在的我，
到底快乐吗？
为什么每当一个人时就会胡思乱想？
活到现在18岁了，
再这18年里，
我到底快乐了多少时间？
又伤心了多少时间？
还记得小时候，
每当放学时，看到人家父母来接待他们时，
心里只有无限的羡慕及嫉妒...
时时刻刻想着某天放学时能看到他们站在校门口接我回家...
但是，我始终没等到...
1997年金融风暴，爸爸祸身其中。
从那时开始，回到家看到的就是爸爸颓废的坐在椅子上，
妈妈？也因为工作关系而不在家了。
整个家显得格外冷清...
一回到家，就是关在房间里，
除了哭泣，就是发呆...
那时心里有种说不出的感觉，
那时的我才7岁所以不懂，
但我现在懂了，那感觉是无奈，无助...
过后，1999年，经济开始复苏...
爸爸终于也找到了工作，
但是必须一直忘不同的州属跑。
但是妈妈也入不敷出，
所以就把我寄放在我舅母家...
这一放，就放了2年...
在那里，看到了他堂弟堂妹备受呵护，
虽然自己的待遇也不差，
但是心里永远都有根刺在那边...
当时期待的，就是每个月妈妈都回来看我一次
记得有一次，我满怀期待的一早起床，
就是希望能早点看到她，
结果当早上9点电话响时，
我几乎是用跑的去听电话，因为我知道是她打来通知我她快到了。
结果，是她打来的，但是内容却是说她无法来看我，
当时的我可说是哭了不知多少个小时后才慢慢入睡...
直到另一天...
而爸爸，2年里看他不超过5次...
后来，爸爸回来了，
而且工作上也蛮顺利的，
但是，与妈妈的感情却是比陌生人还要陌生...
心里虽然希望他们符合，但是却知道没机会了...
过后，妈妈另结新换，问我意见时，我笑笑说你开心就好...
那时我...13岁...
所以那时起，我非常爱玩，
因为只有这样我才会有那短暂的快乐，或者说笑容...
过后，从朋友处得到了快乐，
所以那时起我重视朋友多过家人...
虽然现在与（当时）朋友的感情已经决裂或冷淡了...
但是当初的快乐到现在我始终忘不了...
2004~2007，14~17岁...
家庭正式解散...
妈妈准备再婚...
依然问了我意见，
我始终还是笑笑得回答她说，你快乐就好...
另一方面，又必须帮妈妈瞒着爸爸...
因为妈妈是单方面申请离婚...
所以爸也就不知道，
直到现在，爸爸还不知妈已经再婚了，
而且还添多了2个孩子呢...
而我依然瞒着爸爸...
因为妈妈的手续还在办着...
黎伟汶，真是辛苦你啦，
瞒着爸爸那么大件事2年了...
和朋友的友谊，最终不知为何原因而不了了之....

2008年，现在，18岁...
先前说了很多，
也不想再重复之前写过得东西...


记得今年年初做工时，
我的manager对我说我的笑容很不真诚，
难道之前没真心笑过吗？为什么连笑都不会?
但是她真的蛮好人的，因为她真的就是所谓一个非常好的聆听者，
让我倾诉我所有的不开心...
在这里，还真的谢谢她了~
但是，我永远记得她在我辞职那天对我说的那句话，
“你经历了很多人没有过的经历，
这是为何你的想法会比其他想的还要多
但是，不要一直沉溺在悲伤与无奈中
这会让你的人格越来越脆弱
而且，假装快乐只是伪装的一种
迟早都会被人看破
所以也不必执著于不让其他人看到你的悲伤
别担心他们会嘲笑，看不起你
因为，他们没资格，
希望在不久的将来，
会看到你真诚的笑容。”


所以，从小到现在，
我到底快乐了多少时间呢？
因为，现在回想起来，
除了和朋友一起过得那些短暂的时间，
我真的再也想不到任何快乐的事了~

What is the true?

So, can someone tell me who talking the true?
Or both are true but just because of misunderstanding?
Or really one of it are fake?
Then you are just talking a lie to me or what?
Who should i trust?
Maybe someone may ask me,
that their problem,
you don't need to bother so much de,
it won't effect you actually...
But for me,
since i join the advisor group,
i want to try my best and want everything in best conditions,
else, what the point i join it?
why don't just quit it and then go back to my normal life?
So free, so relax without any restrict...
So, for me,
even say we are a team,
but the leader always is the center and decision maker for the team,
so i strongly agree and hope the leader are the most capable and strong person.
so that why i am so care about who will be the next chairman...
Because...
for fair, we will have a better performance by having a correct decision.
for self, we won't be so tough and can be more happy with the decision.
If every one no agree with the decision or order,
what the point we doing it?


Before in CSG 2 i am really happy,
because i have 1 group of people that will help each other,
that time were a very beautiful memory for me,
And let me think that come to kl was a correct decision...
But now, in the CSAG,
other people may say that all the talent people group,
but for me, maybe we all got some talent or ability,
but when 1 place that full of ability,talents,strong mindset people,
that will always have a fight there...
Indeed we were same as before working together,
and have some fun there(for me that group),
but look and heard the other side,
you can see that...
some lie, trick, make use of people and more...
So, just feel that very vex when see it...
What me happen in jb,
total happen in here again...
Even know that kl actually is more complicated...
But i still wanna have a try,
try what?
try to a place that people are true to each other...
But again... i fail to find it...
Maybe there are not longer more have this kind of place,
or maybe i can find it when sleeping in the midnight...


Tomorrow got the election(front part),
really don't know wanna vote for who,
and also very hope that no people will vote for me...
And then just same as my aspectation,
then can be a group advisor lo...
What a nice day...
So hopefully in the sunday will same as my imaging...

So just like this la,
no more command about it...
Just see how going on in tomorrow night la...
God bless...

~Last week~

Last two week,
the most busy week for me...
because other than assignment,
i also need to busy for the the CS...
Other than that,
sometime go for entertainment,
so, that was a very busy but rich 2 week...

Firstly, the assignment
the most important task,
because if fails this task,
other task also will be cancel automacally...
so, overall is ok,
just didn't meet with all requirement.
haiz... failure...

Second task,
about the CS night...
overall i done a very bad work,
but forget it,
because i also didn't do it with full spirit...
so just like this,
don't have many feel about it.
Just wondering when can we do well as our advisor...
Will the day come?
Or the day will never come?
then will fulfill what they say
"一代不如一代"
haiz..
i don't want...
fails one time already,
i never want to fails second time...
it quite a big blow to me if fails again...
and then,
this saturday is the election day again...
really hope that my name won't appear in the whiteboard again...
really don't want...
because when the name on the whiteboard,
means that got chance to be the edu vice/director.
i don't want...
i just want to be the groups advisor.....
hopefully can...

Yesterday were the discussion session,
happen a lot of thing.
Something unaspected happen during the conservation.
Just hope that can peace in future ba...
nothign to write le,
just finish itgua...
see ya...

无奈+累弊= 永无止境的感叹

Omg, preparation week, again -_-|||

yup, now is 5.44 am.
but still in friend house for the
prepare invitation card and poster.
Tired...
But today i still didn't help them...
because i still struggle for my slideshow...
Because lack of photo,
so it make my procedure very very low...
So hope that later can finish it in the afternoon time,
and settle assignment in evening time,
then should be alright for helping them le...
I don't want my preparation is for slideshow again...
I don't want it...
And this time is quite fresh to me,
because maybe is do the same thing as last time,
but this time was with CSAG people,
and during the night,
felt alright,
atleast better than my imagination...
hehe...
And now...
even very tired,
and later 8 am still got class...
but...
don't know why,
still felt quite happy le....
got the feel as preparation last time...
maybe got a bit different la,
but hope tha in future can be more and more better lo...
hehe~
Just like that la,
still need to continue in my slideshow,
now just eationg snake for blogging,
wahahaha....
ok, just like that ba,
keep working,keep working...

疲累+无奈+快乐+充实+新的过程+复杂的想法=无限的未知数....

For survive in study~

Actually don't know wanna typing that title,
so just simple put it...
The main thing i wanna talks...
is something happen in my class yesterday...
yesterday during PIS class,
and we were divides into assignment group.
And then, at the end,
got someone didn't get any group.
and not no enough people,
just don't have people wanna group with him...
And me as well...
And then,
how to say he also need to join the group,
and we already divide into 4 group,
2 group 4 people group and 2 group 3 people group,
so he need to choose to join either one group of 3 people group.
But before that,
we were actually discuss and talking beside him,
and i think he would heard it.
The conservation we discuss as dialog before...
group A: hey, group b, u take him la...
group B: You take la, we don't want...
group A: don't want, he was so...
group B: .......
group A: ......

Finally...
group A +group B+other ppl: laugh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and the main character, mr L: silent and heard our conservation...

So,at that time, i felt sad for him,
why study until this situation?
haiz~
And now,
i felt i am so bad ...
But think about it,
as my last post,
if i sympathy him,
who care about me?
Even i know this is wrong,
but i still need to do it in order me to survive...
For mr L,
actually i am very hope that you can transfer course or stop in DIA,
because, you really not suitable in this class...
maybe you still can bear all of it and silent and study yourself...
but... i means real,
without any classmate help,
you really cannot survive in this class...
And maybe you now in this stage part of it is my responsible...
but...
don't know how to say it...
But i still will never say a sorry to you,
because currently,
you still not count as my friend.
so won't bother you so much de...
And that all for this part,
the conclusion was now mr L are the


And next,
for me to survive in class and my study,
i must study hard now,
only that me able continue communicate with my friends,
and won't let other people look down...
So, i must take a balance in CS and study...
otherwise, i sure need to give up one of it...
and i am greedy,
i wanna both of it...
so just be study hard ba...
and whether i take the balance,
i give myself a simple challange,
the result for this sem,
if this sem i still get the hell results,
i think my CS life or maybe college life would be stop it.
So, for me,
for study,
for CS,
for friend,
i must strife for it...
and achieve my target...

~暴躁~

不知道为什么，
最近变得好毛躁哦~
总是有一种很“bek cheh”的感觉~
觉得感觉上一切好像很匆忙酱，
就觉得好像一直有人在催你的感觉~
而且，现在，只要环境稍微吵了一点点，
就会很想骂人~
不知道为什么...
说是压力，又有点说不上~
在班上...觉得大家都好优秀哦，
好像样样都比我好，
觉得自己好差哦~
怎么会这样？
为一欣慰的可能是前天的英文presentation...
从老师说的comment的应该是不错咯~
其他的...就~~无言~~~
但是，最近开始有点想读书的mood了，
对我而言是非常好的，
至少不会拖到考试的时候才想温习~
但是...
现在还是觉得很"bek cheh",
怎么会这样？
而且，
最近不懂怎么，
一直有无奈的感觉。
就连我的顾问都说我
“你什么都无奈的拉~”
过后才觉得是有一点咯~
就连现在写部落格都有一点点地无奈~
阿~~~~~~
不懂要写什么，
或许只是想写点咚咚来发泄一下吧~
在这里，才能畅所欲言。
想说什么，就说什么~
在这里，
最近看了一个老朋友的部落格。
发现她慢慢开始加入面具家族了~
觉得有一点点地伤心，
但是却让我觉得，
在现实的世界里，
适当的面具好像是必须的咯~
而且，要有很多个。
遇到不同的人带不同的面具~
但现在，我困惑了。
在这里，我还有带着所谓的面具吗？
曾经想过当初来到kl时，
就可以尝试的活出自我~
但是感觉上，我好像已习惯了带\换面具了~
觉得已经迷失了~
现在的我，
到底是怎样的?
到底我要成为怎样的我呢？
还是和以往一样，
做个满背包面具的戏剧人呢？

OMG, where is my home~~~

Yup,never think that i will so bad luck recently...
Why i say like this le?
This is the second month i back to kl since last sem breaks,
but until now,
i still haven't find a nice place for live,
why?
At first,because of some sad issue,
me was homeless when 1st day back to kl...
And when i am so excited to move to my new home last 2 day,
the landlord say that "i though you was kidding with me"
direct speechless...
now, need to move to friend house that far far away...
Even that he will fetch me to school lot of the time la,
but still think that very trouble him le...
IF not i no choice,
i sure won't go and disturd him again...
And this few day i keep on thnking...
He is actually doing a lot for me,
But what me do for him le?
Except sometime always LC with him,
And always shot him,
and always finding him for playing,
without caring about he feel to his family...
Yup, he really do a lot for me,
So...
Maybe next time can try to be nicer to him.
yup,Should be like this..
And now...
feel very sad la,
so long time le,
me haven find aplace for settle down...
I WANT MY ROOM RIGHT NOW~
I CANNOT WAIT ANYMORE...
WANNA CRAZY LE...
WHAT A BIG "HAIZ~~~"